Conflict in Dating: A Chance to Strengthen Your Relationship

Not everyone is ready to face conflict, especially with a boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, many couples still do not understand how to manage conflict even after marriage. Some tend to avoid problems. Others dismiss conflict as they please, without considering their partner's feelings.

But did you know that conflict can actually be something constructive in a relationship? The key is this: you must resolve the conflict. 

When facing problems with your boyfriend or girlfriend, try applying these four things:

1. Take Time to Pray 

The very first step in dealing with conflict is to pray. Involve God in guiding you in every aspect of life, including resolving conflict with your boyfriend or girlfriend. 

When you and your boyfriend or girlfriend argue, what is the first thing you do? Immediately throw out harsh words? Curse at your partner? Insist that you are right and they are wrong? Or do you take time to calm yourself and pray?

When a relationship is in trouble, we usually have many assumptions and negative thoughts. The heart becomes unsettled; there is annoyance, anger, panic, and a desire to blame. If left unchecked, conflict will become something destructive to the relationship.

If you are an emotional person, or you rely more on feelings than logic, learn to calm yourself. Without calmness, it will be difficult for us to pray. We may act unwisely or foolishly. Instead of repairing the relationship, we only make the atmosphere worse. 

This also applies if you are a logical person. By calming yourself, you have the opportunity to examine the dimensions of the problem not only from a factual standpoint. You will not merely see conflict as an intellectual argument to prove who is smarter or more right.

Better one handful of tranquility than two handfuls of toil and chasing after the wind. – Ecclesiastes 4:6 

Then, what should you pray for? Pray that your boyfriend or girlfriend will submit to you? That you will win? Be careful, perhaps your prayer will not be answered because you are not asking for something good according to His will.

And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. – 1 John 5:14

Pray to calm yourself. Ask for wisdom so that you can express your heart well, and so your partner understands what you mean. Also pray for humility in each of you, so that you can take lessons and gain wisdom, and grow through the conflict. 

Through prayer, surely God will give peace and wisdom to your heart, mind, and mouth. After you are calmer, continue to the next stage, namely … 

2. Talk About Your Feelings and Thoughts

After calming yourself and praying, do not just let the conflict pass, but express what you feel and think about it. Remember that the point of this conversation is not to blame or belittle each other. You and your boyfriend or girlfriend must focus on resolving conflict in accordance with the truth of God's word, and learn to express emotions in a healthy way. 

Problems in a relationship must be resolved so they do not leave a root of bitterness. If you cannot resolve even one problem, what will happen when 10 other problems come? You will be frustrated. You blame your boyfriend or girlfriend for being ununderstanding, then break up and look for someone new. Indeed, while dating you may be able to change partners. But what about after marriage? Do you want to go back and forth through divorce every time you run into conflict?

Problems will keep coming as long as we live. Wherever we go and with whomever we interact, the risk of conflict is always there. The question is, are we willing to grow in the way we resolve problems? 

The dating period is a time of practice in resolving conflict before you move on to marriage. If you and your boyfriend or girlfriend do not grow in the relationship, it will be hard to expect a lasting marriage later on.

3. Focus on Finding Solutions and Building Each Other Up

The next stage is to strive to find a way out. Of course, this requires willingness from both sides to find a win-win solution, or to seek a middle ground for a problem.

A person's spirit can endure sickness, but who can restore a broken spirit? – Proverbs 18:14

I know a couple who always got into conflict when discussing serious topics through chatting. Because both of them were equally busy with work, when one brought up a serious topic and the other replied briefly or without careful thought, conflict happened. In other words, the cause of their problem was actually only a matter of communication technique.

After applying point 1 (pray first) and point 2 (expressing feelings and thoughts), the two of them then agreed to make new rules. First, they would not chat much during working hours. And second, they would only discuss serious matters by phone or face to face, not through chat. 

If an important conversation comes up in the middle of working hours, one of them will say, “We’ll discuss it later, okay,” and the other immediately understands what that means. Thanks to this win-win solution the two of them can now focus better on work, and also become wiser and grow in managing their relationship.

When two individuals are bound in a relationship, conflict is very likely to happen, because both are adapting to one another. Conflict is normal and the causes vary. However, whatever the problem is, there is always a solution, as long as you are willing to resolve it maturely and willing to grow.

Do not be afraid of conflict. But do not go looking for problems either. Value your boyfriend or girlfriend the way you want to be valued. In that way, conflict will make both of you grow more in the relationship and know one another better. 

4. Guard Your Relationship with God

One thing that is no less important is to keep growing in your relationship with God. Without the same true foundation, you and your partner will both act selfishly and force your own principles. If neither is willing to yield, conflict can become a long nightmare and potentially destroy the relationship. 

By having the character of Christ, you and your partner will live out a relationship that can be enjoyed, not one colored by quarrels. Build your special relationship according to the principles of God's word, not in your own way. Surely you and your boyfriend or girlfriend will be spared from unnecessary conflicts.

Do not forget to always pray for your relationship. Pray for the things both of you need to grow in order to become better people.

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:13

A dating relationship is beautiful but complex. View conflict not as something to be avoided, but as something that needs a solution. Conflict that is resolved can build up your relationship with your partner. Resolve problems by taking time to pray, talking about what is in your heart and mind, focusing on solutions, and drawing near to God. Give it a try!

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