What You Value Is What You'll Have [Honesty] - Part 4

Dishonesty damages relationships. The act of lying is far more destructive than the matter being lied about. Once deception (deception) enters a relationship, that is where the beginning of the end starts, sooner or later. Deception is a wall that is hard to break through because when this exists it means "denying" the real problem. This is one of the unforgivable sins in marriage, because it makes forgiveness (forgiveness) unable to be present. By "denying" the real problem, that main issue will never be able to rise to the surface and get the opportunity to receive forgiveness.

However, honesty must walk together with other values. Honesty without love and commitment will damage a relationship that may already have been weakening. In the same way, honesty without forgiveness may end painfully. Honesty without commitment to holiness will not be able to give true hope to the one who has done wrong.

Here are some areas where married couples will find it difficult to practice total honesty:

• Feelings
• Disappointments
• Desires, likes, and dislikes
• Hurts
• Anger and hatred
• Sex
• Sins
• Failure
• Needs and vulnerabilities

Deeper Intimacy

Here is the case of Dennis and Christy:

Dennis and Christy had been married for five years. For Dennis, their marriage was very okay. But in reality, it was far from okay. Christy felt alone, unfulfilled, and emotionally disconnected. She felt that little by little, but surely, her marriage was dying. But she never expressed this to Dennis.

Dennis was Mr. Nice Guy...he was a very kind man and also a responsible husband. So Christy also thought that maybe what she felt was wrong because she was not grateful enough. Yet deep in her heart...she wanted something more alive in her marriage.

Every time Christy tried to tell him what she felt, Dennis would gently discount what Christy felt and then try to fill Christy's dissatisfaction by being even nicer to her. But actions like this actually made Christy even angrier. In the end, Christy's mood became flatter and flatter whenever she was around Dennis.

Until one day, Christy could not take it anymore. "I hate our marriage!" she shouted. Dennis was stunned...shocked! He could not believe what he had just heard. He began arguing about how good their marriage was, but that only made Christy angrier. Finally, they realized that their marriage needed help.

In the counseling session, Christy was very honest about what she felt toward Dennis. She felt Dennis was so nice that it was as if he had no feelings. She was very honest about her needs and all the bitterness in her heart. On the other hand, Dennis tried his old way of calming Christy by being nice. But this was not what Christy wanted...she wanted to know Dennis more deeply, what Dennis liked and disliked, his feelings, his soul. In the end, she complained very strongly.

At that point, Dennis exploded. He expressed his anger toward Christy as well as his despair, as if he was never good enough for his wife. How he felt that Christy was never interested enough in him on a deeper level...how he felt not desired enough by his wife. It made Dennis despair.

In the middle of that process, Christy was shocked in return. Instead of being defensive, she embraced Dennis. She was so relieved that at last there truly was a real person behind Mr. Nice Guy. The honesty they threw out in that session formed a real connection between them. A connection they had actually been longing for.

Intimacy can be present because we "know" someone on a much deeper level. If there is a wall that prevents honesty from entering, then that process of knowing will be neglected. Deception will slip in. As Paul said in Ephesians 4:25, "Therefore, put away falsehood and speak truth each one to his neighbor, for we are members of one another." So many married couples try to "protect" their marriage with lies, and at the same time it makes them farther and farther from real relationship itself.

For a Reason

There is a common cause that usually keeps honesty from being present in marriage. A "defensive" reason aimed at protecting oneself from pain. This is not actually an evil reason. However, this kind of fear can become a gap for deception to enter. For someone to be fully honest with a spouse, he or she must first face those fears.

Here are some fears commonly felt by married couples:

• Fear of real closeness and of being known more deeply
• Fear of being neglected and losing love if they are known more deeply
• Fear of being controlled and treated like an object/property
• Fear of being seen as "bad" or not good enough if parts of themselves become known
• Fear of their own desires, needs, and feelings

So, what should married couples do so that honesty can be present in marriage?

1. Have enough grace (grace) so that honesty can be spoken. Promise that you will not punish your spouse when he or she is honest. This does not mean there are no consequences, but punishment or shaming should not be part of the consequences. Choose a healthier way.
2. Give your spouse the freedom to ask questions and seek validation. Do not feel attacked when your spouse is trying to understand and still has not gained clarity. Do not say defensive things like, "So you don't believe me?".
3. Guard one another when we see that a spouse does not seem to be honest. Bind yourself and your spouse to the truth.
4. Be a partner to your spouse in the process of healing from the fears he or she feels in the heart. If your spouse's issue is fear of being abandoned, then show him or her that you will not leave the way people in your spouse's life may have done before.
5. Take responsibility for the fears you yourself feel and make a commitment to resolve them. Be a person of truth and look for someone other than your spouse who is trustworthy and has a strong foundation. This is the person who will play a role in showing you the truth when fear surrounds you.
6. Use wisdom. Although ideally total honesty should be present, there are certain situations in marriage dynamics that may not yet be ready for total honesty. It may take choosing the right time because some people are more fragile and need help from others when faced with the truth. Use wisdom to see and discern whether your marriage is ready or not to receive full honesty. Check the resources you have such as counseling, time, or the people who may be needed so that honesty can be brought into your marriage.

*Church GKDI is currently present in 35 cities. We have Bible Study activities in every area. If you need information or would like to get involved in them, contact us at contact Church GKDI Official: WhatsApp 0821 2285 8686 or Facebook / Instagram GKDI Official

"But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin." (1 John 1:7)