Becoming a Discussion Partner: The Best Way to Guide Teens

Have you ever thought of having a discussion partner, who is none other than your own teenage child? Back when my child was still little, I often heard advice, that when children grow up, parents must become friends to their children. That is one good parenting approach. But do you know why? 

Why Is It Necessary to Become Your Child's Discussion Partner?

1. Realize That Your Child Is No Longer a Child

When children are still little, parents tend to control them, such as when they eat, rest, study, and play. Parents lead, while children follow the instructions given. In fact, parents also decide many things about the child, such as clothing style, hairstyle, and other things. 

Children are also not allowed to go anywhere alone. It may even be that their playmates are chosen by the parents. If parents are overly protective, perhaps their children are also forbidden to play with other children. 

However, when children enter their teenage, years, parents must realize that their children are no longer little children. Whether you accept it or not, whether you like it or not, you must change the way you treat your child. You must slowly begin reducing your control over your child's life. And begin guiding them to manage their own life and make their own decisions, as adults do. 

Relationships that were once more one-way from parent to child alone are now shifting to become two-way. Along with increasing age and maturity, a person can begin to become a friend, even a discussion partner for parents. When a child grows up, begin treating him or her like an adult as well.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I felt like a child, I thought like a child. Now that I have become an adult, I have put aside childish ways. – 1 Corinthians 13:11 

2. As Children Grow Up, Parents Must Grow Too

Brothers and sisters, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but mature in your thinking!  – 1 Corinthians 14:20

Children are growing up. Parents must also adjust to the way of nurturing and education that fits them best. Parents cannot educate in a one-way manner, much less with an authoritarian style.

If you can position yourself as a friend, it will not be hard to enter their world . As a result, you can build a good relationship with your child. In fact, your child can freely open up, feel comfortable, secure, and perhaps you will become the first person they look for to confide in when they have problems. 

How Can Parents Become Their Child's Discussion Partner?

1. Become a Good Listener

My beloved brothers and sisters, remember this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry;  – James 1:19

As parents, we often feel more superior than our children. We feel we know more, have more experience, and understand the world better. As a result, without realizing it, parents, instead of being good listeners, become advisers. Before the child has even said anything, the parent is already rambling, giving solutions, making judgments, drawing conclusions, even judging the child. 

Imagine if we had a friend like this. Would you feel comfortable with a friend like this? Of course, we would feel uncomfortable. Well, the same is true for your child. If you act this way, surely your child will not feel comfortable. 

If this is what you do, perhaps little by little your teenager will pull away or keep their distance from you. Or it may be that he or she becomes a people pleaser or two-faced. They only act nice or keep up an image in front of you, just so they will not be scolded or lectured by you. It may seem like the child does not argue and obeys, but deep in his or her heart the child feels much disappointment with parents who do not lend them an ear.

If parents want to become their child's discussion partner, they must not be selfish. Listen to your child, to their stories, whether good or bad, important or less important. Do not be interested only in giving advice, rebuking, correcting, and setting expectations.

When you have become your child's good friend, you will reap the results. You may become the person who is most up to date about your child's life. You will know what he or she is feeling, where they go, what problems they are facing, and so on. 

2. Make Time

Time passes quickly. In the blink of an eye, suddenly our children are grown up. And if we do not give our time, we can lose those moments together while they are still little.

Therefore, do not waste time. Do not be busy only with your work, career, or business. No relationship is built without your investing time in it. If you want to become your child's discussion partner, set aside special time with your child. 

Make the most of the time, because these days are evil.  – Ephesians 5:16 

The time you give will never be wasted. Even if your relationship with your child may still not be good right now, keep giving them your time. It is not impossible that this time will also become the glue in the relationship between you as a parent and your child. Believe it, the time you give will become beautiful memories for them when they grow up later. 

Quality Time with Children

However, on the journey to becoming your child's discussion partner, there is a process you need to go through. We know that a good relationship is not formed overnight or as easily as turning over the palm of your hand. So, what are some things you can do when you are having quality time with your child? 

• Listen to your child's stories about anything, such as school friends, activities at school, goals, dreams, and hopes. 
• Ask your child the right questions. Do not ask only things whose answers are just, “yes” and “no,” or whose answers are short. Instead of asking, “What did you eat earlier?”, it is better to ask, “What did you do during lunch today?” That way, you will get a fuller answer. 
• Use that time to teach your child the right mindset. Train the way they think, not just by setting rules. For example, your child wants to go out with friends. Invite your child to think, “What activities will you be doing? Is it unsafe to be out until that hour? We are still in a pandemic, you know.” Not just, “You may not go! In a pandemic like this, no gathering allowed.”
• Invite your child to pray together. For example, when your child is struggling to choose a college major for the future, you can invite them to pray together. 
• Have dinner together. While eating dinner, tell a secret you have never told anyone, such as the foolish things you did in your teen years. You do not need to keep up an image, so that your child also feels that you, as a parent, are not a figure who is perfect and without flaw.  This is important so that your child will also be prompted to be more honest, open, real, and secure so that he or she will not hesitate to share little secrets with you. You also do not need to hesitate to reveal little secrets from when you were a teenager
• Do fun things together (fun time). For example, exercise together, karaoke, watch movies, traveling, and so on.

3. Do Not Hurt Your Child's Heart, but Raise Them

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the instruction and counsel of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4

Becoming a discussion partner for your teenager does not mean you become a compromising parent. Compromise in this context means allowing your child to do things that are contrary to the principles of God's word and the values that apply in society. 

Whatever the child desires, the word of God must be the non-negotiable standard. However, the way we convey that truth must also be full of love, so that the child is not hurt or feels burdened by so many rules. The first rule is: do not hurt your child's heart. That way, we can raise children in the Lord's instruction. 

Not just your teenager. If you have already been hurt by someone whose intention was to help and assist you, do you think the teaching they give will sink into your heart? Most likely, you will reject it or have alreadyblocked them first before that person even speaks. 

The same is true for your teenager. Do not be quick to set absolute rules about what is allowed and what is not. But teach and train them in a way of thinking or a point of view that is in line with the word of God. And in the end, let them themselves have wisdom to determine what is good and right, what is permitted or not. 

When your child enters the teenage years or adulthood, you can no longer use the same way of raising them as when they were little. The best way to guide them is by becoming their friend and discussion partner. 

By becoming a discussion partner, children no longer feel that their parents are boring, annoying, rigid, and no fun. Once you have become a friend, of course they will not hesitate to share stories with you.  The same is true for you. It will not be hard to educate or teach them the important things in life. Let us become parents, and at the same time good friends and companions for our teenagers! Amen. 

My father taught me and said to me: "Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commands, and you will live. – Proverbs 4:4

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