How Do We Balance Expectations with Acceptance?

In a world that demands so many expectations from people, a acceptance feels so precious and soothing to the heart.

I was once criticized for placing such high expectations on someone, so that person felt they were not accepted as they were. In fact, in my view, my expectations were not excessive and not too difficult. “If I can do it, why can’t he?” that was what I thought.

At that time I had not yet realized the need for balance between expectations and acceptance toward others. Why is this important, and what can we do to achieve it?

What Does It Feel Like to Be Accepted?

I did not know exactly what it felt like to be unaccepted, until I watched a film titled “I Not Stupid.” This film tells the story of a mother who had very high expectations of her child, so the child felt pressured.

The child was indeed not very good at mathematics. Even though he had tried his very best, his math test scores still remained below standard. This caused him to be often beaten and scolded by his mother, leaving him deeply stressed.

When the mother was hospitalized, this child came crying and apologized because he still could not get good grades in line with his mother’s expectations. Seeing this, she also cried, hugged him, and said, “It’s okay. Mom knows you’ve already done your best.”

At that moment I realized how much acceptance is able to relieve the heart, even remove every burden from a person’s shoulders.

Why Is Acceptance Important?

Before answering the question above, understand why we sometimes find it difficult to give acceptance to others:

• The Standard Is Ourselves

We feel capable of meeting the expectations we place on others with ease. So, others should be able to do it too. We forget that each person has strengths and weaknesses in different areas. This makes us unwilling to compromise with other people’s shortcomings.

• The Assumption That Acceptance = Giving Up

Without realizing it, we may assume that accepting others as they are means the same as giving up. As though we are supporting that person not to grow. In fact, acceptance needs to be given so that someone is motivated to reach the expectations given to them without feeling an excessive burden or pressure.

Acceptance is important because it makes us feel valued wholly, with all our strengths and weaknesses. Accepting someone does not mean we may not have hopes for them. What we must do is balance the two, so that both sides can grow together.

High Acceptance, High Expectation, Is It Good?

High expectations must be followed by high acceptance. If we only expect without accepting, instead of being motivated, others will become stressed. They feel misunderstood and only pushed to do more and more.

This, of course, can damage relationships. People will pull away, become closed off, or only show their good side in front of you, to avoid pressure from you.

More often, we demand much but do not understand the importance of giving acceptance. Workers are required to do many things but rarely receive appreciation from their superiors. A husband or wife more often demands their spouse to be more this and that, but rarely praises the good things or progress they make. No wonder many conflicts begin from excessive expectations like these.

Learning to Accept Like Jesus

If you are someone who finds it hard to accept others, let us learn from Jesus. Jesus is an expert at balancing acceptance and expectation. He is not a God who only wants to accept without expecting us to strive to become better. He is also not a God who always gives heavy burdens to His people, without accepting us with all our shortcomings.

Jesus is God who has high acceptance (high acceptance) as well as high expectation (high expectation). He accepts us as we are, and at the same time, wants us to grow from our weaknesses.

God accepted the people of Israel with all their weaknesses, but also gave commands they had to obey. God accepted Moses, who was not eloquent, but gave him the mission of freeing the people of Israel from slavery in Egypt. Jesus accepted Peter, who had denied Him three times, and still asked him to shepherd His sheep. Jesus not only accepted the woman caught in adultery, but also asked her to repent.

Jesus’ acceptance:

And as they continued asking Him, He stood up and said to them: “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” – John 8:7 

Jesus’ expectation:

Then Jesus stood up and said to her: “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She answered: “No one, Lord.” Then Jesus said: “Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on sin no more.” – John 8:10-11 

Jesus knows that we human beings are not perfect. Even though He accepts us as we are, He still gives us responsibility to grow. Let us imitate Jesus’ balance in acceptance toward our fellow people.

3 Ways to Give High Acceptance 

Here are things we can do to make others feel accepted:

1. Understand Their Background (Put Yourself in Their Shoes)

People who are perfectionists usually find it hard to tolerate people whose work is messy. People who are accustomed to being disciplined tend to find it hard to accept people who are undisciplined. Those who can work quickly are usually impatient with people whose work rhythm is slower.

Before you demand something from someone, place yourself in their position. Understand their background, how they were educated and raised. What they have experienced that made them who they are now. In that way, you will find it easier to accept others.

No matter how good we are, we are still not perfect. You and I have many flaws and sins. If God, who is perfect and without sin, can accept us who are imperfect, then we should accept others who are also imperfect.

2. Appreciate and Support, No Matter How Small the Progress

Do this by giving words of praise such as, “Great!” or “Good job!”

Even when that person fails despite having tried, or makes progress that does not meet expectations, we need to appreciate what they have done. Say things like, “It’s okay, I’m here to support you,” so that person does not feel like they are struggling alone.

In the parable about the talents, the master did not scold his servant who worked with two talents by saying, “Why is the result only two talents? Why not five or ten?” He understood that the servant had done his part well.

That is why, in Matthew 25:23, the master said, “Well done, good and faithful servant, you have been faithful over a few things, I will set you over many things. Enter into the joy of your master.”

3. Use Good and Gentle Words

Sometimes, in our hearts we intend to accept others. But unfortunately, the wrong choice of words or a raised tone is instead understood as our rejection of their shortcomings or of who they are.

Gentle words can make others feel comfortable and accepted. If you like hearing people speak good and courteous words to you, why not do the same? If that makes you feel better and motivated to grow, others will feel the same way.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1 

Giving expectations without acceptance is not a wisething. By accepting others, we also accept ourselves as human beings capable of committing sin. Let us learn to accept others, like Jesus who is perfect and accepts us as we are, yet also expects us to grow. Be encouraged!

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• Have a Giving Heart
• Leave the Habit of Anger Before It Is Too Late
• Guard Your Tongue from These 4 Things