What You Value Is What You'll Have [Loving Your Spouse] - Part 3

We have heard the word "love" very often, and each of us has a different understanding of this one thing. For some, it may mean romance, but for others it may mean security. At its core, this is usually what draws us to someone, the things we like about that person, and it completes our existence so that a desire can arise to celebrate the beauty of that person's character for the rest of the life we have. This is ultimately where we decide to make that person our life partner.

But what happens when we can no longer see "what we like" in our spouse? What happens when "what we love" disappears?

Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself," (Matthew 22:39). According to God, when we do this, only then do we truly love someone. So what does it mean to love your neighbor "as yourself" in a marriage relationship?

This can be understood in three ways:

1. You identify so deeply with your spouse that you can feel the effects of the things you do to your spouse.
2. The first thing you think about and prioritize is how to make your spouse's life better.
3. You want the best for your spouse, even if he or she cannot see it.

First, when you identify deeply with your spouse, you will experience what is called empathy. On the other hand, selfishness will destroy a marriage.

An example of this is Scott and Maria:

Scott was very angry with Maria, his wife, in one of his sessions with Dr. Cloud. When he felt threatened, he became very aggressive toward Maria. At moments like that, Maria would respond by blaming something about Scott. But behind Maria's blaming attitude, Dr. Cloud saw something she did not show.

Dr. Cloud stopped Scott in the middle of his rant and turned to Maria. "What are you feeling?" Dr. Cloud asked.

"I hate it when he's like that!," Maria said.

"No, what do you feel?" Dr. Cloud emphasized.

At last, she broke down and cried. Then Maria shared how deeply afraid she actually was whenever Scott became angry and aggressive. She sobbed, trembling with fear.

Dr. Cloud turned to Scott and saw what he had never seen before. Scott softened. His eyes filled with tears. He felt the "damage" he had caused inside his wife. He identified himself with Maria.

"Would you like it if that were what you felt?" Dr. Cloud asked Scott.

Scott looked at his wife with shame and empathy. "I never realized it. Forgive me."

For the first time in their married life, Scott saw through Maria's eyes. He felt what his wife felt. When he began to focus on this, he changed his behavior. Loving your neighbor "as yourself" means putting ourselves in that person's place and trying to see what it feels like to be them.

Second, loving your spouse as yourself means you think about making your spouse's life better. For example, you think about how your wife is doing after a whole day of taking care of the household and the children. What might your wife need? How about some help? Wouldn't that feel good?

Or how would you feel if you never had the opportunity to develop yourself and the talents you have? You would certainly feel stagnant and flat. Surely you would long for an opportunity to grow. You would want your spouse to give you space and also resources that could help you grow.

Third, this may be the hardest one. Loving your spouse as yourself means wanting the best for your spouse even when he or she cannot see it. This can take the form of a difficult confrontation, an act of healing, and so on. An example would be when you want to help your spouse draw closer to God or get your spouse into treatment/rehabilitation if he or she is involved in addiction. This third form of love may put you in a difficult position. But you know it will bring goodness into your spouse's life.

So, what is also needed here besides empathy is commitment. You are committed to staying and remaining by your spouse's side even when things become difficult. Why is commitment so important in marriage? Because without commitment, when marriage becomes difficult... people tend to be tempted to leave rather than go through the difficulty. Remember, every difficulty that occurs in marriage is a sign that there are areas that need to grow. Do not avoid it! Even though that may seem like the easiest path. In many marriages, the couple appears to stay together, but emotionally they are already disconnected. They leave the relationship by pulling their hearts out of it.

A fitting analogy for this commitment is a patient and a doctor. The patient must be willing to stay in surgery until the doctor finishes so that he can be healed. Imagine if the patient tried to run away in the middle of the operation! He certainly would not survive.

In married life, God also often performs surgery with the purpose of saving that marriage, but how many of God's patients run away while the operation is still in progress?

True love for a spouse helps each other grow into a better version of themselves. Love like this will also be a strong protection against the devil's deceit. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, "Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy. It does not boast and is not proud. It does not behave rudely and does not seek its own advantage. It is not easily angered and keeps no record of others' wrongs. It does not rejoice in injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

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