3 Commitments to Building an Inseparable Friendship

The strength and endurance of a friendship lie in the quality of the connection between a person and their friend.

Connection is the sense of safety you feel when you express your thoughts and feelings to your friend; knowing that they will not try to change or judge you, trusting that they can help and allowing them to help with whatever problems you have.

If what is described above reflects your relationship with your friend , congratulations! You have a good connection with your friend . Surely there is much you both have done to build, strengthen, and maintain that friendship.

 

However, most are not like that. Most likely you are in a difficultsituation, trying to repair a relationship that is damaged and in disarray, or perhaps you have already given up and let a relationship be broken.

I understand that situation very well. I have had many friendships that fell apart in the past. Relationships that failed because of small issues that were not communicated and resolved well. I went through years filled with resentment, disappointment, and distrust.

The problem I faced at that time was that I did not know what a good friendship was (I did not even know WHAT it was, much less HOW). I was always trying to guess what they needed and was not fully open about my own situation. I focused on what I needed from them. But I began to learn to improve myself and commit. That eventually changed my friendships .

If you want to build a connection that not only endures but also bears fruit, I invite you to apply these commitments in your friendships .

Commitment 1: The goal of friendship is a relationship that is safe and loving.

No one starts a friendship with the aim of becoming disappointed and eventually broken. What we need to remember is that when we encounter problems in a relationship, we have an instinct to protect ourselves. We will close ourselves off tightly and create distance between ourselves and others to avoid pain. If you do not commit to maintaining the goal of your friendship , this pain and fear will change the goal of your friendship from a safe relationship into a broken one.

Downward Spiral of Disconnection

There is a phenomenon called “Downward spiral of disconnection” or a downward spiral of disconnection. If someone is hurt, they will close themselves off and pull away from the relationship. Sensing this, the other person will do the same, withdrawing from the relationship. This will happen repeatedly, and with each repetition their relationship will grow worse. Without realizing it, their relationship has already been severed. It is as if they are saying to one another, “I will repay what you did with something even worse!”

If you commit to having a relationship that is safe and loving, you will not withdraw when hurt and will not retaliate when wounded. You will remember the goal of friendship and strive to build connection. You will say to your friend , “ I will help you so that together we can reach the peak of this friendship ”

and I will not stop building a better relationship

Building Habits Forming a good habit is very important in buildingfriendship . I have one unique habit with one of my friends: We will call, or even meet in person, if one of us has negative thoughts toward the other. Then we will tell why those negative thoughts arose, apologize, and encourage one another. We try to resolve everything before more problems pile up. In that way we try to keep building a relationship

that grows better through ongoing communication.

How much safety do you feel with your friend?

 

What will you do to increase that sense of safety?

Commitment 2: Trying to meet one another's needs I am the kind of person who wants my needs met quickly and precisely. I want attention. Everything is me, me, and me. It should not be that way. Human beings are social creatures created by God with the purpose of seeking, finding, and building a relationship with God. This ability to build relationships can also be applied infriendship

. A two-way connection that understands and tries to meet each other.

HUMAN BEINGS ARE SOCIAL CREATURES CREATED BY GOD WITH THE PURPOSE OF SEEKING, FINDING, AND BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. THIS ABILITY TO BUILD RELATIONSHIPS CAN ALSO BE APPLIED IN FRIENDSHIP. Needs or the needs referred to here are needs that are intangible

or without physical form. Needs with physical form such as borrowing money and so on, I believe, are easy enough for us to provide. It is emotional needs that are sometimes hard to meet.

How Worthy? “I am reminded of a line from the song” How Worthy

by Sheila On 7:
“How great are you for me to be proud of,
Are you strong enough for me to always rely on, 
Are you able to endure my wretched life,

Are you able to reassure me when I am in doubt”

(“How Worthy,” from the studio album 07 Des by Sheila on 7, Sony BMG Indonesia label) Although this song tells of a romantic relationship, the lyrics above give a fair picture of emotional needs in a relationship. Needs such as a sense ofsecurity , a sense ofpride , and a sense of.

trust Sometimes we do not believe that a friendcan meet our needs. “ They surely cannot meet my needs!They will not understand me! ” perhaps you often think this about your friend, but remember that this is exactly the kind of mindset you must avoid. Someone who has committed to building friendship

in a healthy way will be ready to meet their friend's needs. They will realize that a relationship becomes better when needs are mutually met. They will help as far as they are able.

What does your friend need?

What can you do to meet it?

How far are you willing to go?

Commitment 3: Learn to listen, speak honestly, and adapt.

Like a choppy signal that disrupts a phone call, it will be difficult for you to meet your friend's needs if the exchange of information does not flow smoothly. For years I had assumptions about my friends, and many of those assumptions proved wrong. Assumptions do not help at all; more often they ignite problems. I learned to be different; I tried to listen and ask questions. From there, safety and trust began to grow on both sides.

The First Step A good relationship begins with the ability to honestly express what is happening in your heart and mind to a friend. This does not mean being blunt

without regard for the situation, but speaking the truth in love as it says in Ephesians 4:15

INSTEAD, SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE, WE WILL GROW IN EVERY WAY INTO HIM WHO IS THE HEAD, NAMELY CHRIST. This is just as important as the ability to hear what a friend is trying to say to you, whether explicitly or implicitly, and then help meet what they need.

Sometimes listening is better than giving advice.

Trying to Understand In the process of trying to meet someone's needs, you will face situations where you must adapt yourself. I am not someone who easily shows love or affection. I remember when I tried to build a relationship with onefriend , I had to adjust myself to someone who needed a great deal of emotional support. I learned to listen to their outpouring of the heart (even staying over at their house because they shared until late at night), learned to give advice without sounding preachy, and I learned to see life from the perspective of theirmelancholic temperament. In that way I tried to show my affection

to them. I wanted to walk alongside them, to be a friend who was ready to help them become a better person. I did not do it perfectly, but I would do whatever I could so that my relationship with them would become better. To this day we are stillfriends

, even closer than before. Sometimes we are afraid that by speaking honestly or openly we will damage the relationship that exists. This is very wrong! Remember that you are building a relationship founded on safety, not fear. Like bitter medicine that must be taken in order to recover, openness is very important for a better relationship

. What keeps you from opening up to your friend

? The commitments above are guidelines that taught and helped me in building an inseparable friendship

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that cannot be broken apart. Clear purpose, mutually meeting needs, and continually learning to change are indeed not easy - yet an inseparable friendship will become a treasure beyond price in your life and in your friend's life. (RCW)

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• True Friendship That Pleases God
• Beware of the Little Things That Damage Friendship

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