Healthy Marriage Trait: Managing Conflict Well

Like magnets, sometimes we are drawn to people from “opposite poles”. Opposite attraction is what tends to make people fall in love with someone of the opposite sex whose character is very different. For example, an extroverted man is attracted to an introverted woman; or, a cheerful and easygoing woman is captivated by a cool.

Unfortunately, this polarity often becomes a trigger for conflict after marriage. The man and woman who once adored each other are now trapped in prolonged strife, some of it even lasting for years.

On the other hand, conflict is something common in human life as social beings. Even couples with similar personalities are not free from conflict.

So, what should be done when conflict occurs in marriage?

Conflict: Managed, not Avoided

“Take care, okay, don’t fight.” That is the typical advice parents give to children who are getting married. Because of that, it is no wonder conflict is often seen as something bad that must be avoided. Conflict is a sign of defeat. Conflict is dangerous because it makes a relationship turn bad.

The way couples respond to conflict also differs. Some avoid it, some resolve it, and some manage it.

Couples who avoid conflict will try as much as possible to keep any disagreement from happening. When conflict appears, they tend to let it be or act as though it does not exist. Over time, their problems keep rolling and growing like a snowball going down a slope.

On the other hand, couples who resolve conflict will face it right away like a “one-time project” that must be conquered; after that, the matter is considered finished. This way may seem good at first, but a similar conflict can appear again later because the heart of the problem was never addressed.

Couples who manage conflict will choose to resolve it and follow up on the problem. They find out what each other hopes for, agree on their respective commitments , and support one another so that those commitments are carried out well. This also includes coming to an agreement about what needs to be done when those commitments are ignored. In that way, problems can be minimized because there is an “alarm” when one party goes off track.

Don’ts in Conflict

The appearance of conflict in marriage is indeed unavoidable, but that does not mean we are free to vent our emotions at our spouse. Dirty or harsh words, offensive labels (ethnicity, religion, race, social background, and so on), and comments that belittle or demean must be avoided.

“Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth …” – Ephesians 4: 29a

Then what if one party has already blurted out harsh words?

“When He was reviled, He did not revile in return …” – 1 Peter 2:23a

Let us learn from the attitude of the Lord Jesus, namely, trying not to retaliate. With a gentle answer, may our spouse quickly come to their senses. Indeed, this is not easy, but remember that a low tone can cool a heated atmosphere. As spouses, we must still help one another, including when we are in conflict.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

Try to remain self-aware at all times and wherever you are. Do not argue in front of the children because it can wound their hearts. Do not do it while driving on the road either because it is dangerous for your safety. Control your emotions, and once you arrive home or in your room, then follow up on the conflict.

Use Conflict to Raise the “Level” of Your Marriage

A healthy marriage is not measured by how many words of love are poured out, but by how skillfully the couple manages conflict. In fact, rather than destroying them, a conflict actually brings them closer. However, it must be remembered that conflict that produces growth can only happen when previous conflict has already been managed well.

There are at least three benefits of managing conflict for your marriage:

1. The Frequency of Conflict Becomes Less Often

Husbands and wives who have reached this stage have usually learned to recognize their patterns of conflict. Both sides know each other’s red buttons and green buttons: what makes their spouse angry, offended, sad, happy, relieved, and so on.

How do you reach this stage?

Be honest about each other’s feelings and expectations, so that husband and wife know what should and should not be done.

Besides getting to know ourselves and our spouse better, we come to understand what must be changed and what needs to be cultivated. We also know each other’s expectations, and what must be done to fulfill them. In that way, over time the frequency of conflict will surely decrease.

2. The Duration of Conflict Becomes Shorter

Couples at this level find it easier to speak to and receive one another. There is no excessive tension when discussing the conflict that has occurred, and it does not take long to gather the courage to talk.

How can you arrive at this level?

Agree on the right time to talk, align your understanding, and make a new agreement for the future.

If in the past a husband and wife could give each other the silent treatment for days because they were reluctant to talk about their feelings and expectations, that is no longer the case. This is because they understand that even though they are angry and disappointed, it does not mean they must have a huge fight.

“If you become angry, do not sin: do not let the sun go down before your anger is gone.” – Ephesians 4:26

3. The Core of the Conflict Becomes More “Elevated”

There are husbands and wives whose conflicts are so obvious that their children, even the neighbors, can easily tell, because the sound of their quarrels carries everywhere.

However, the conflict of couples who have reached this level no longer revolves around feelings, for example, feeling unloved or unappreciated, because both already trust each other. Husband and wife continue to treat one another well, carrying out their duties and responsibilities, even though they know there is a problem they must resolve.

How do you reach this level?

Resolve the conflict at its core and do not let it spread to other matters.

Husband and wife may debate because of differences of opinion, but that does not lessen their love and respect for their spouse. They do not keep running into the same old issues, they do not drag out the time it takes to resolve them, and they do not bring up problems that are already past.

“Therefore I do not run without aim, and I am not a boxer beating the air.” – 1 Corinthians 9:26

Two people who are truly very different, once strangers to each other and now lifelong partners, will certainly be involved in conflict. Avoiding conflict will only muddy the problem and pile up bitterness. However, managing conflict can make a marriage healthier.

*Church GKDI is currently present in 35 cities. We have Bible Study activities in every area. If you need information or would like to get involved, contact us at contact Church GKDI Official: WhatsApp 0821 2285 8686 or Facebook / Instagram GKDI Official

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