Devotionals

Encouraging Your Husband: Practical Ways to Inspire Without Judging

By suwandi setiawan · January 14, 2021 · 8 min read

Inspiring your spouse is a unique challenge in family life. Especially for women who are perfectionists or choleric, and who happen to be married to a man who is calm. Instead of being seen as a strength, a husband who is calm is often considered slow, indifferent, or unreliable.

When a wife is striving to begin good habits to build her children's spirituality, her husband does not show comparable effort. What began as trying to convince and invite him, eventually turns into the wife forcing her husband to carry out his duties and responsibilities as the head of the family. Without realizing it, the wife's good intention—but expressed in a less appropriate way—does not inspire her husband, but instead comes across as judging and making the relationship unpleasant.

So then, how can a wife inspire her husband without judging him?

Differences: A Trigger for Conflict or a Strength?

When entering married life, a husband and wife bring different habits with them. The way they were raised and the values from their families of origin are also not the same. If not discussed well, these differences can trigger conflict. Each assumes their own way is the most correct and does not need to be changed.

Inspiring without judging is important, not only for adjusting to the different backgrounds and habits of husband and wife. The reason is, a wife usually has expectations of her husband. Unfortunately, men are not figures who want to be taught and like to be advised, especially by women. He will feel his pridecollapse instantly. And indeed, women are taught not to instruct men (1 Timothy 2:11-12).

So, this is where the importance of the art of inspiring without judging comes in. We wives can inspire our husbands to do something or to grow with a pleasant way of communicating. In this article, I use the example of how a wife inspires her husband in carrying out family devotional or family worship.

Because they come from different family backgrounds, the husband's and wife's views about family devotional will certainly differ. For example, the wife comes from a religious family that is accustomed to having family devotional every day. Meanwhile, the husband comes from a family that worships only on Sundays.

The factor of difference becomes a challenge for a wife in motivating her husband. Indeed, the spiritual leader of the family is the husband as the head of the family. However, if a wife only demands without caring about her husband's views or condition, what his obstacles are, and what help he expects, what happens instead is conflict rather than devotional.

The situation will be different if the wife communicates her expectations well, and also listens to and values her husband's aspirations. Husband and wife unite their views about family devotional and make a new agreement. In this way, differences do not become a trigger for conflict, but a strength for building a family.

Rather than quickly judging or labeling your husband as unspiritual, uncooperative, or unconcerned about his wife's expectations / thoughts, it is better to do the following things:

1. Take Time to Talk Together

Negative thoughts will only give rise to bad assumptions and bring us into sin.

For out of the heart come all evil thoughts…. — Matthew 15:19a

Clarification will keep us away from a judgmental attitude and reduce the potential for conflict. The Bible says that evil thoughts are the beginning of sin and other wrongdoing. There is no other way to resolve them except by sitting down and talking with the person concerned. By clarifying, wrong thoughts can be corrected.

Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another! Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way! – Romans 14:13

Suppose you are facing the challenge of family devotional above. It is not wrong if you hope to do it every day. However, try to discuss whether your husband's and children's condition allows it. Or, could it be that you need to lower your expectations so that there can be a meeting point and agreement with your husband?

2. Be a Good Helper

From the beginning God created a wife to be a helper for her husband. Therefore, if you feel your husband is less able to lead, help him, do not replace his position. After an agreement is reached, carry out your role or duties well.

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. – Colossians 3:18

The Word of God for Today version (FAYH) says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your respective husbands.”

Submitting means wearing down our ego and allowing ourselves to be led by our husbands, because that is the Lord's command. Husband and wife are not rivals, but partners who complement each other. When a husband succeeds in leading the family, it means the wife also succeeds in being a helper.

For example, after discussion, a decision is made that family devotional will be held only once a week. Make this activity a quality moment. Arrange it in such a way that the atmosphere is enjoyable, with interesting games and warm discussion of the Word; even better if there is a special menu, so that family devotional becomes something the whole family looks forward to.

When your husband is busy with office work and overwhelmed preparing family devotional, it is a good idea for you as a wife to offer help. Perhaps by giving ideas for the lesson to be discussed, preparing games or small prizes, and so on. In that way, the husband will feel supported and motivated because his wife is acting as a good helper.

3. Give Inspiration, Not Judgment

Indeed, it is not easy to build good habits in a family; everything needs a learning process. Still using the example above, you can inspire your husband to do family devotional consistently. The early sessions may feel stiff because everyone is not yet used to it. At times the husband may be less prepared, the children may be sleepy, in a bad mood, or there may be other obstacles so that devotional does not go as expected.

Keep doing the good things you can. For example, make time to read the Bible or pray with your child outside the schedule of the family weekly devotional Equip yourself with new knowledge and skills. In this pandemic season, many seminars and self-development trainings are held online. You do not always need to join paid ones; there are also many quality free events.

Look for the right time to share the new insights you have gained with your husband. Convey them in a relaxed way that is far from sounding preachy. Make your husband interested and want to know more about the inspiration you want to share.

For example, “Oh yes, Dear, yesterday I joined a class and learned an interesting way to do devotional . It turns out that involving the children by giving them assignments is really good too. Besides reducing our task, it also helps them stay more focused and not sleepy. What do you think, Dear?”

Or,

“Thank you for your effort, Dear in preparing lessons for devotional for us all this time. I really appreciate it. And, it seems that watching Christian films could also be fun, so that our devotional has some variety. I have several references for children's Christian films. If you want, Dear, you can choose which one we can watch in next week's session.”

By choosing the right time and a good way to communicate inspiration, your husband can see your sincerity and earnestness. He can also feel your acceptance of him. This will be far better than saying:

“The way you deliver the lesson is very stiff. The children get bored and sleepy. It seems like you need to find a new way that can make them more enthusiastic!”

A Wife Who Gives Inspiration

Carrying out the role of a wife well is an inspiration that can reach the heart of a husband. This is more effective than judging or demanding that your husband follow your wishes.

… they too may be won without words by the conduct of their wives. – 1 Peter 3:1b

A good wife will not think, speak, let alone label her husband with bad things. Instead, she will express her expectations well. She helps and offers assistance when needed, and gives inspiration without belittling her partner. Blessed is the husband who has her.

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