Devotionals

From Momster to Calm Mom

By suwandi setiawan · May 4, 2021 · 9 min read

On March 26, 2021, PDA Pakubuwono from Married ministry Center held a Ladies Bible Talk attended by wives and young mothers with the theme “Momster.” The speaker at this event was Rev. Sarah Kezia Lou from GKDI Bandung. She is a minister, family counselor, and also a mother of 2 wonderful children.

Why Mommy Becomes a Momster

Momster refers to a mom who turns into a monster because of pressure and fatigue emotionally. One of the causes is the pandemic that has been going on for the past year. Triggers for mommy to become a momster can be many things, including:

The pandemic that forces all activities to take place at home, including school and work. Mommy who would usually relax after taking the children to school, enjoy, and have me-time, is stressed because she has to do school at home too. Not to mention helping them with homework, making videos, while still having to cook and take care of the house.
The economic crisis makes mommy worried and anxious. For example, salary cuts ranging from 20% - 50% that force families to use savings for living expenses. This can lead to depression, so stress level mom’s increases. The signs can include trouble sleeping, becoming easily paranoid, and excessive worry.
The pandemic that forces people to practice social distancing. For people who like socializing, it can feel stressful because they can no longer gather as before.
A poor husband-wife relationship. The husband wants to be served, while the wife is exhausted and not excited to serve her husband. And this can create the possibility of new conflict .

The things above eventually make mommy become a momster. At its core, it is because mommy is emotionally exhausted.

Momster to Calm Mom

What are some bad responses that result from emotional exhaustion?

Yelling
Hitting or physically abusing. For example, pinching a child when angry.
Giving the silent treatment
Threatening
Belittling/verbal abuse. Looking down on or being disrespectful toward one’s husband, whether through words or body language.

Rather than becoming a momster, let us learn to become CALM MOMs.

How to Become Calm Moms

3C: Connect, Cool Down, Control Our Breathing

When we are emotional, we need to calm ourselves by controlling our breathing. We may also need to take time for me-time, so that we do not explode.

Besides that, we need to connect with our children. Not only be responsible as a mother (cooking, preparing food, taking them to school, etc.) while having no connection in the same house. We need to build conversations, pray together with the children, ask how they are doing, and keep building communication.

Be alert to stress levels and avoid giving punishment in anger.

For example: pinching, yelling at children. When we give punishment while we are in anger, we make our connection with them unhealthy. They may deliberately perform or keep up an image before us just to appear good in front of us, in order to avoid punishment. But we want our children to be honest and secure with us, their moms.

Laughing in the midst of chaos.

When you have small children, for example when they make the house messy, we usually get angry, our horns come out. In fact, there is no need to be angry; just take it easy and laugh. They are children, after all. When we can become a mommy who is full of joy, the children can rejoice too. Learn to laugh, not rage.

Listen without judging or giving advice.

For older children, mom must listen more without judging and not give advice when they are having problems and their emotions are in turmoil. Give advice when the atmosphere is already comfortable, for example after the child is calmer and emotionally stable. When your child is not happy, you must connect with your child. Try to understand your child.

Master Our Reaction.

Children from a young age can sense when their mom is not happy, not ok, angry, sad, or upset. With younger children, mom can tell more stories about God. With older children, mom can share her sadness or struggles, but must still help the child see that God is good because He gives help.

Discipline and Instruction

Discipline

Ephesians 6:4 And you, fathers, do not stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the teaching and instruction of the Lord.

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What God wants is discipline and instruction for our children. Sometimes without realizing it, we provoke or trigger our children to become upset or angry with us. For example, by speaking in a high tone of voice. We need to think about or ask our children and also our husbands, what things or attitudes can trigger them to become upset with us.

momster - gkdi 6

Discipline is not about this is allowed, that is not allowed. If our children often ask what is allowed and what is not, perhaps all this time we have only told them what is allowed and not allowed, without giving an explanation of why something is or is not allowed.

Discipline is also not about giving punishment so that they understand. Discipline is about training a person’s mindset and character so that he or she can build self-control, understand right and wrong, and their consequences.

For example, if a child asks permission to gather with friends in the middle of the pandemic, do not immediately get angry and forbid it, but try to ask many questions and invite the child to think. How many people are coming? Do you want to go? When you go out, what should be done? If you are affected by covid, are you ready for the consequences or not? Let the child think and make his or her own decision. That is what is called discipline.

Instruction

Instruction is the act or process of teaching by giving direction with a clear purpose, regularly (intentionally), and step-by-step about how to do something.

For example, when a child wants to go out with friends, give clear directions. Do not shake hands, do not touch your face. We should not only place high expectations on our children while not walking with them and showing them what the process looks like. This is still related to the discipline mentioned earlier, but the direction is clear.

Pleasant Discipline and Instruction

Discipline and instruction are a long process. Until when do we carry out our role as parents? Even when children are already married, we are still mommy to them, within proper boundaries of course.

Because this process is long and tiring, it must be done with fun, so that the children do not get bored. Do not only make written rules. Imagine this long process being done in a serious and tense way? Mom would surely be stressed, and even more so the children.

Discipline and instruction must be done repeatedly, carried out continuously, consistently, and clearly.

Tips

Sarah also shared tips that are very useful, including:

Applying the values & character of Christ that will be trained

Mom must determine the character values of Christ that will be trained for example honesty (it is okay to be wrong, what matters is being honest), obedience, respect, compassion, and so on. A maximum of 4, but it is best to set only 2-3 points to focus on.

Set clear ground rules and boundaries (schedules, house rules, etc.). Even though it may seem that in the middle of the pandemic there are no longer any boundaries because children use gadgets for school and interacting with friends, it can actually still be applied, as long as mom can also be flexible and adjust to the current situation. For example: set a vacation schedule, play schedule, lesson schedule, chores schedule, and bedtime schedule, so that children are clear and not confused because of the absence of rules

Training lifeskills and self-control in children

Training these 2 things can be done by instilling morals through stories of failures and mistakes of parents. If we tell only the good stories, children will become pressured. But through stories about failure, without realizing it mom is training the child’s mindset. Telling stories can help children absorb the values we want to teach in a pleasant way (not as commands or rules).

Consequences

Besides rules, mom also needs to be clear about applying consequences. Here are some existing consequences:

Natural consequences

For example, if a child wakes up late and the school has already given consequences, then we do not need to give additional consequences anymore, because that will only add to the child’s mental burden.

Consequences decided together

If they play until they lose track of time, what consequences will be given must be clear and agreed on beforehand.

Balanced consequences

The consequences given need to be balanced with the mistake made. Do not, just because they fail to do their homework once, punish them by making them mop the floors of the whole house for one month. That is not a balanced consequence.

Consistency and firmness are very important, but not rigidity.

Keep reevaluating the consequences. Adjust them to the situation or circumstances, such as the current pandemic situation.

The Most Important Thing

Lastly, Rev. Sarah also emphasized the most important thing as parents. According to Rev. Sarah, many parents build their children around performance and results. But actually, what is most needed is character, values, relationships, and knowing God.

The PDA was finally closed with sharing from several moms who learned from what Rev. Sarah shared. They also took a group photo to capture the moment before finally closing in prayer.

Keep up the spirit, mommy, don’t become a Momster, let’s become Calm Moms!

The full video can be seen at the following link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yp9C3AO7D0

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