Becoming a Friend to Your Teenage Child

Being the parent of a teenager is already a heavy responsibility, let alone being their friend. Perhaps this is what comes to mind for parents when they read the title above.

The idea of being friends with your teenage child sounds impossible. Perhaps you are dealing with your teenager whose temperament rises and falls easily, who is closed off, and hard to talk with heart to heart. Or, you have already given up on dealing with their behavior and no longer know what to do.

So then, why do we as parents need to become friends to our teenage children, and how do we do it?

Why Do We Need to Be Friends with Our Children?

Back when my children were still small, the statement “parents must become friends to children who have reached their teenage years” sounded so cliché. However, when that season came, I saw that an authoritarian parenting style (directing, controlling, and dictating to children) was indeed no longer suitable to apply.

As they enter their teenage years, your child is developing ways of thinking, principles, as well as stronger desires. Not only that, they are also growing bigger and taller than their parents. What will happen if you keep clashing with them all the time? If they lose control and hurt you, your relationship will only become more distant.

In short, which do you want: to be your child's friend or enemy?

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I call you friends, because everything I heard from My Father I have made known to you. – John 15:15 - From the beginning, God wanted to be our friend. He called Abraham His friend (James 2:23) and treated Moses like a friend (Exodus 33:11a). Jesus even called Lazarus His brother (John 11:11).

Jesus invites us no longer to view our relationship with Him as a relationship between Master and servant, but as a friendship. Yes, Jesus regards us as His friends.

And, just as God the Father and Jesus can be friends to human children, you too can be a friend to your teenage child.

Parents, Friends Closer than Siblings

There are friends who bring ruin, but there is a friend who is closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24

Proverbs describes a friend as being closer than a brother. When you become a friend to your teenage child, your relationship will be as close as siblings, even more so.

Friends are important figures in human social relationships. In fact, it has even been clinically proven that friendship helps prolong life and lower the risk of heart attacks. Friendship also encourages the brain to produce the hormones dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin that increase positive feelings, happiness, and freedom from stress.

In other words, being a friend to your child means helping them to survive, to have a healthy, happy, and fulfilling life.

How to Become a Friend to Your Teenage Child

1. Accept Your Child Completely

Parents often unconsciously compare their child with other children. As a result, the child feels that they are always lacking or never good enough. By comparing your child, you also hurt their feelings.

Do not focus on your child's weaknesses, but focus on their strengths. Do not only highlight their failures so that they can have emotional intelligence and good mental health.

Fathers, do not embitter your children, lest they become discouraged. – Colossians 3:21 

2. Do Not Waste Time with Your Child

Time cannot be repeated. So, make time for your child while you still can.

One of my greatest regrets is when I could not attend my eldest son's last futsal match when he was in junior high school. In fact, that match was his greatest victory. Even though it was because of work commitments I could not leave, the regret has remained in my heart until now.

Family day is one way parents build bonding time or strengthen their bond with their child. Once a week, dedicate your time to your child, for example by taking a walk to the mall together, exercising together, accompanying them to play basketball, piano lessons, or other hobby activities.

Throughout that day, make sure neither of you is busy with gadgets of your own. Build conversation with your child. Ask how they are doing, how their studies are, their friends, their struggles, their hobbies, their dreams, and their hopes. Make the most of every opportunity to build a relationship with your child while you still can.

Teach us to number our days, so that we may gain a wise heart. – Psalms 90:12

3. Make Your Child Feel Comfortable with You

Once I found my eldest child doing something wrong. Instead of rebuking him harshly, scolding him, or panicking, I decided to talk with him privately. On that occasion , I opened the Bible and read several verses related to what he had done. I also told him about similar mistakes I had made before.

Amazingly, my child, who had been afraid, became relieved and was willing to express his feelings. More than that, from that moment on, my child has always been open and unafraid to tell me about his mistakes or weaknesses.

Now, even after reaching the sixth semester of college, he still looks for me whenever there is something he is struggling with. We can talk for hours, and during that time, he will tell me about anything his joys, his sorrows, his successes, or his failures. I laugh and cry with him. - The son said to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you, I am no longer worthy to be called your son. – Luke 15:21

In the parable of the lost younger son, we see how he became aware of his mistake and felt comfortable returning to his father.

When your child is sad or facing deep struggles, of course you do not want them to go to the wrong person, do you? You want them to come to you, so that you understand their burden, and certainly, you want to support and help them. So, make your child feel comfortable with you, not only as a parent, but also as their friend.

Of course, there is still much you can do to become a friend to your teenage child. Remember that as a parent, you are both teacher and student. You are a teacher, because you teach your child the values of truth, guide them to the right path, and become the place they look for answers to all their problems. You are a student, because you still have much to learn in facing your child.

Above all, build closeness with your teenage child on the foundation of God's word. Because whatever we do without God will be in vain!

Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. – Psalms 127:1b 

Take heart, you can do it! - Reference: www.thefader.com/2017/03/08/science-of-friendship

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