A Family's Emotional Savings

In building a family, most couples realize the importance of having financial savings. For example, for my husband and me, savings have always been one of our resolutions at the beginning of the year. We calculate how much savings we want to achieve by the end of the year and think about how to reach it. For what purpose? Because we want to have a solid enough financial foundation for our family.

However, there is another kind of savings that is no less important in a family. It is called emotional savings. Honestly, how often do we think about this kind of savings? Let alone setting goals, we may not even realize why it matters. Yes, emotional savings are no less important than financial savings.

The Emotional Bank Account

What is meant by an emotional bank account? This concept was first introduced by Stephen Covey in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The principle is simple, “every time we proactively do something that builds trust in a relationship, we ‘make a deposit.’” On the other hand, when we react negatively and do something that reduces trust, we “make a withdrawal.”

The balance currently in that bank account determines how good the relationship is between two people. If the deposits are greater than the withdrawals, then the two people will trust each other. But if the balance is negative, then the consequences can be guessed. We may become easily angry, tired, frustrated, and feel misunderstood. We want to give our best, but even a slight disturbance can hurt our hearts. We feel like a car that has run out of fuel.

The principle of the emotional bank account can apply in our relationships with everyone. But who are the people we see most often and love the most? Of course, our family. That is why it is so important to start building up the family's emotional savings.

Building Emotional Savings

There are many ways to build up your family's emotional savings balance. Here are some helpful tips

1. Recognize each person's love language

Recognizing each person's love language is very useful in making sure every deposit you make is “high value” to the recipient. We need to love our family in every love language. But when we speak their primary love language, that action will touch their heart more deeply and fill their emotional bank account more quickly.

So, what is your spouse's love language? What about your first child? How about the youngest? You can observe whether a person's love language is “words of affirmation,” “quality time,” “physical touch,” “acts of service,” or “receiving gifts.”

2. Invest one-on-one time with each person

You've heard, right, that it is very important for couples to keep having “date time” without the children? Doing various activities together as one family may indeed be fun, enjoyable, and build togetherness. But nothing can replace one-on-one time with your spouse. What about children? Many experts have said that this is just as important. There are things that may not come out when someone is in a setting together with others, but can be expressed when they are one-on-one with someone who loves them. Here are some benefits of one-on-one time with each person:

•       Strengthening the special bond between the two of you.
•       Communicating that this person is important to you, including their needs and desires.
•       Getting to know one another better.
•       Creating moments to remember.

With the busyness of parents (and children too!), it may feel hard to arrange one-on-one time with each person. But actually, it is not that difficult. There are a few simple things you can do and schedule. Whether it is just getting ice cream together at a restaurant, making a fun craft at home, accompanying them on a grocery trip to the supermarket, or going to your child or spouse's favorite place. It does take effort and a decision, which is why it is called an investment. Trust me, you will enjoy the benefits later.

3. Do small acts of service without expecting anything in return

Doing something you do not usually do for someone can feel more special to them. For example, if you usually train your child to study on their own, it will feel special if you offer to help them study when you have free time. Maybe you are not used to preparing your husband's work clothes, but doing it once in a while will feel very sweet. Maybe your wife needs a shoulder massage after a long day of work. Or who does not like receiving a small card with a thank-you note and “I Love You”?

The key is that you do it sincerely and do not expect anything in return.

4. Recognize the 5:1 ratio

To keep your emotional bank account positive, maintain a 5:1 ratio. What does that mean? For every negative interaction that happens, you need 5-8 positive interactions to keep the balance even. To avoid a negative balance, you can get rid of small habits that reduce your bank balance, such as complaining, criticism, grumbling, an annoyed expression, and a raised tone of voice. Keep making positive interactions, both big and small. Smiles, praise, encouragement, and gentle touch are small things you can start doing more often to build your family's emotional savings.

5. Apologize sincerely when you make a “withdrawal”

Life will not always go smoothly, and there are times when we are forced to “withdraw” from our savings. When we realize it, we need to apologize immediately and stop making this withdrawal. Perhaps when angry, you said something that hurt your child's heart. If you do not resolve it right away, you will keep “making withdrawals” without realizing it.

Maybe you are no longer angry with them, but when your child lies alone in bed, they remember the hurtful words you said. You are making a “withdrawal” without realizing it. So, it is very important to apologize sincerely right away and stop that “automatic withdrawal.”

Like saving money, consistency and discipline are very important if we want our emotional savings balance to keep increasing. However, all that effort and hard work will pay off when you experience more closeness and joy in your family. All of that is something money cannot buy.

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